How do I cope with grief after losing someone?
Grief can change everything.
After losing someone important, the world often feels like a totally different place, even though life keeps on moving. Perhaps you’re feeling overwhelmed by sadness, shock, anger, guilt, anxiety or numbness. You might feel as though you are coping OK and then feel like you’re suddenly falling apart again.
There is no rule book to grief, nor a map to follow.
Sometimes we’re consumed with tears. Sometimes we feel totally frozen and detached. Sometimes we want to keep as busy as possible because stopping is too painful. Sometimes we’re angry, unsettled or unable to make sense of what has happened or why. Sometimes we feel pressured to be “doing better” than we are.
If you are grieving, you might feel you have to make your experience smaller or simpler for those around you or to pretend you’ve moved on, because it seems everyone else has.
Therapy offers you a safe, compassionate space where you can drop any pretence and be met exactly where you are to talk about your loss, make sense of what you’re feeling, and begin finding a way to live on.
Grief does not follow a straight line
Grief is a process, that takes as long as it takes and does not move in a clear order.
You might have days where you feel more able to cope, followed by days where the loss feels as raw as it did at the beginning. A smell, song, place, date, photograph or seemingly ordinary moment can suddenly bring grief close to the surface again.
This does not mean you are going backwards. It’s very normal for grief to come in waves. It may soften, shift and change over time, but it does not always disappear in the way other people may expect it to.
What to expect
- sadness that feels heavy or difficult to move through
- feeling shocked, numb or disconnected
- anger at what happened, at other people, or at the unfairness of the loss
- guilt about what you did, did not do, said or did not say
- anxiety about the future
- difficulty sleeping or resting
- changes in appetite or energy
- struggling to concentrate
- feeling detached from everyday life
- feeling lonely, even around other people
- finding it hard when others move on
- moments of relief, laughter or normality that then bring guilt
- feeling unsure who you are now that life has changed
Grief can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s important to be mindful of how much energy it takes and give yourself a bit of leeway.
Are you looking for support with grief?
We're here to help. Explore our bereavement and loss support page to find a therapist, or get in touch if you would like help deciding on the next step.
Why does grief feel so overwhelming?
Our relationships form the foundation of our lives. When we lose someone important to us, our foundation is shattered, and we are tasked with rebuilding it. Grief is often overwhelming because the loss affects so many aspects of life.
You’re grieving the person who has died, but perhaps also the future you’d planned, the role they played in your life, the routines you shared, the version of yourself you were with them, the sense of safety and continuity they gave you, or maybe even the hope of how the relationship could have been.
Sometimes grief also brings up other complex feelings that can be hard to name.
You might feel:
- angry that they are not here
- guilty for things left unsaid
- frightened about being without them
- numb because the loss feels too much to take in
- resentful when others do not understand
- relieved if the person had been suffering, followed by guilt for feeling relief
- confused if the relationship was complicated
- lost and unanchored because life no longer feels the same and you’re unsure what the point is
Grief is not only sadness. It can be a whole mixture of emotions, memories, questions and changes.
What if I feel numb not sad?
Feeling numb after a loss can be confusing.
You may worry that it means you are not grieving properly, that you did not care enough, or that something is wrong with you - but numbness is a completely natural response when something feels too much to process all at once.
Sometimes the mind and body protect us by only allowing feelings to come through gradually.
You might feel detached, blank, unreal or as though you are watching life happen from a distance. You may find it hard to cry, or feel disconnected from the emotions you expected to have.
This does not mean your grief is not real.
Therapy offers a calm, gentle space to understand the numbness and emotional shutdown, so you can begin to feel your grief at a pace that works for you.
What if everyone else seems to have moved on?
One of the hardest parts of grief can be the feeling that the world has just continued on as normal while yours has irrevocably changed.
In the early days, people may check in often. Over time, the messages, visits or offers of support tend to become much less frequent.
Others may assume you are coping because you look okay, have returned to work, are managing responsibilities, or do not talk about the loss much.
Grief often remains long after others stop mentioning it
You may feel lonely, misunderstood or under pressure to seem better than you feel.
You may find it hard to say, “I am still struggling,” especially if you worry people expect you to be OK by now.
Therapy gives you a place where the loss does not have to be rushed or minimised.
You can keep talking about the person, the relationship, what happened, and what life feels like now for as long as you need to.
How do I cope with difficult dates and reminders?
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, certain seasons and everyday reminders can bring grief closer again.
You might feel anxious in the lead-up to an important date, overwhelmed on the day itself, or unexpectedly emotional afterwards.
Sometimes the anticipation is harder than the day itself. Sometimes a reminder catches you unawares.
It can help to give yourself permission to approach these moments gently.
You might want to:
- plan something quiet
- spend time with people who understand
- mark the day in a way that feels meaningful
- avoid pressure to do what others expect
- create space before or after the date
- write, visit somewhere, light a candle, look at photos, or do something that connects you with the person
- choose not to mark the date if that feels right for you
There is no correct way to remember someone. What matters is finding what feels bearable, meaningful and helpful for you.
Can grief affect my relationships?
Yes. Grief can change how you relate to other people.
You may feel closer to some people and more distant from others. You may feel hurt by what people say, or by what they do not say. You may find it harder to tolerate small talk, everyday complaints, or people who seem to move on quickly.
You may also find it difficult to ask for support.
Some people withdraw because they do not want to be a burden. Some feel angry or disappointed that others are not there in the way they hoped. Some find grief brings up older relationship patterns, family tensions or complicated feelings.
If the relationship with the person who died was difficult, grief can feel especially confusing. You may be grieving someone you loved, someone who hurt you, someone you had mixed feelings about, or someone with whom things were left unresolved.
Therapy offers you space to explore these complex feelings honestly, without needing to edit yourself.
Finding the right support for grief matters
Grief can be lonely and complicated, and is different for everyone. The right therapist will help you talk through your loss in depth and at a pace that feels safe and supportive.
What if I feel guilty?
Guilt is very common after bereavement.
You might go over what happened again and again. You may think about what you said, what you did not say, decisions that were made, time you did or did not spend together, or things you wish had been different.
You might find yourself thinking:
“I should have known.”
“I should have done more.”
“I should have been there.”
“I should have said something.”
“I should not have felt that way.”
Guilt can be especially strong when a death was sudden, traumatic, complicated, or followed a period of illness or caring.
Therapy can help you explore guilt gently, without treating it as something you should simply stop feeling. It can offer space to look at what you are carrying, what was within your control, and what may be asking for compassion rather than blame.
How can therapy help with grief?
Therapy cannot take away the loss or make your grief go away. Instead, it offers you a place where your grief can be fully explored, held and understood.
You'll be supported to engage with your loss, to reflect on all the ways that your life has been affected and consider the ongoing ripple effect of this big change.
Therapy will not ask you to forget or leave your loved one behind.
The goal is to integrate your grief and all the learning that can be taken from it, so you can find a way to live on with new hopes for the future.
Depending on your needs and your therapist’s approach, therapy may help you:
Talk about the person who has died
Make sense of what happened
Understand the emotions that come with grief
Explore guilt, anger, regret, numbness or relief
Feel less alone with your loss
Process difficult or traumatic aspects of the bereavement
Understand how grief is affecting your relationships, identity or daily life
Find ways to look after yourself while grieving
Make space for memory, meaning and continuing connection
Begin to imagine life after the loss, without feeling you have to forget or move on
What if I am grieving something other than a death?
Grief can be experienced after all kinds of loss.
You might grieve a relationship, health, identity, fertility, a home, a role, a future you imagined, or a version of life that no longer feels possible.
Sometimes these losses are less visible to other people, which can make them feel harder to talk about. You may feel you do not have permission to grieve because no one has died, or because others do not recognise the loss in the same way.
But if something important has changed, ended or been taken away, grief may be part of what you are feeling.
Therapy will help you explore the impact of any loss you are struggling even when it is hidden or difficult to explain.
Taking the first step
If you are grieving, we are here for you.
Talking things through with an experienced therapist can help with any loss that is affecting you.
You may not know exactly what to say, how to explain the relationship, or whether your grief looks the way people might expect – your therapist will support you to find the language for your grief.
Therapy provides the space to slow down, make sense of what you are feeling, and begin rebuilding your life after loss.
Whether your grief is recent, historic, straightforward or hard to explain, we are here to help you.
