Why do I feel anxious in relationships?

Perhaps you feel unsettled when someone takes longer to reply, seems distant, needs space, or says something that leaves you questioning where you stand. Or do you find yourself replaying conversations, looking for reassurance, worrying you have done something wrong, or frightened that someone will leave?

Even when you can reason that the relationship is okay, you may still find your body reacting as if everything is about to fall apart.

Feeling anxious in relationships can be embarrassing. We'll often criticise ourselves for being too “needy” or “too much”. This shaming is really unfair, especially since it’s far more likely that a painful wound from the past is being pressed on by closeness, uncertainty or an important somebody’s emotional distance.

Relationship anxiety is often linked to childhood experiences, attachment patterns, previous betrayals, trauma, low self-worth or relationships where love felt inconsistent, conditional or unsafe.

You may have learned to monitor other people closely, anticipate rejection, work hard to be easy to love, or expect that closeness will eventually lead to pain.

These responses although there to protect you, may have nothing to do with the reality of the people who are close to your now.

Therapy can help you understand what is being activated in your relationships, learn to better communicate what’s happening and what it is you need and find ways to take care of yourself with more compassion.

Yes. Relationship anxiety can affect how you respond to closeness, distance and conflict.

You might seek reassurance, withdraw, over-apologise, people-please, become hyper-alert to the other person’s mood, or struggle to express what it is you need.

These responses are often attempts to feel safe and prevent rejection.

Therapy will help you understand these patterns. Through greater self-awareness and compassion, you’ll learn to better communicate your needs and find new ways to relate to others and to self-soothe.