Why do I struggle to set boundaries?
Setting boundaries sounds simple
But often it feels anything but.
You might know you need to say no, ask for space, pull back on what you’re giving or be honest about what you can manage - but when it comes to it, guilt, anxiety or fear take over and silence you.
You may worry that the other person will feel hurt, disappointed, or angry, or that it will cause them to distance themselves from you and so you tell yourself it’s easier to just say yes and put up with it.
Struggling to set or hold boundaries does not mean you are weak, it’s more likely that early experiences have conditioned you to believe that having your own needs is illegitimate, selfish or risky.
What to look out for
Boundaries are not just about saying no. They are also about recognising where you end and another person begins.
You might notice that you:
- say yes when you are already overwhelmed
- feel guilty when you need rest
- avoid difficult conversations
- over-explain your choices
- feel responsible for how others react
- struggle to ask for help
- let resentment build
- feel anxious after saying no
- give more than you can afford emotionally
- feel selfish for needing space
- ignore your limits until you burn out
Struggling to set boundaries?
We are here to help. Explore our people-pleasing and boundaries page to find a therapist, or get in touch if you would like help deciding on the next step.
Why do boundaries feel so hard?
Boundaries can feel difficult if you learned in childhood that your needs caused conflict, disappointment, criticism or emotional distance.
These kind of experiences teach us to stay agreeable, keep the peace to avoid upsetting others, make ourselves useful and put everyone else first.
Boundaries may also be hard if you fear rejection, struggle with self-worth, feel anxious in relationships, or have spent a long time being responsible for others.
Sometimes the hardest part of a boundary is not the boundary itself - it’s tolerating the feelings that come afterwards.
Why do I feel guilty?
We tend to feel guilty whenever we’ve done something that we don’t think is permitted.
If you are used to prioritising other people, respecting your own needs may feel wrong even when the boundary is perfectly reasonable. You may worry you’re being selfish, difficult or unkind.
But guilt is not always proof that you have done something wrong. Sometimes it’s just a sign that you are stepping outside an old pattern.
Therapy can help you understand the guilt you feel around setting boundaries, so you can start to unpick and overrule it.
Can therapy help with boundaries?
Yes. Therapy helps you uncover and challenge the unconscious blocks around setting boundaries.
Exploring the difficulties in a safe, confidential place will bring the root fears to light, so you can both reality test them and develop ways to hold yourself steady when they're triggered.
Through this process, therapy supports you to move from an automatic yes to a more thoughtful, authentic decision.
Depending on your needs and your therapist’s approach, therapy may help you:
Notice where your limits are
Understand guilt, fear or anxiety around boundaries
Explore people-pleasing patterns
Build self-worth
Practice saying no with less self-blame
Understand your relationship dynamics
Recognise resentment as useful data
Develop boundaries that feel realistic and compassionate
Finding the right support matters
Setting boundaries can bring up guilt, anxiety and relationship fears. The right therapist will help you understand why boundaries are so hard for you and disentangle yourself from these feelings so you can start honouring your own needs.
What if other people do not like my boundaries?
Sometimes people may find your boundaries difficult, especially if they are used to you saying yes. That does not mean your boundary is wrong.
Holding a boundary does not need to be harsh. It can be clear, gentle and respectful - but it may still disappoint someone.
Therapy can help you explore how to stand firm and stay connected to yourself even when someone pushes against your boundaries.
Taking the first step
If you struggle to set boundaries, we are here for you
Therapy will help you to tune in to where you are over-stretching, or starting to feel resentful, guilty or steamrollered, so you can start building realistic boundaries.
Whether boundaries feel frightening, unfamiliar or long overdue, we'll help you to start turning things around.
